Hi to anyone who reads this,
This is my first time writing on the revive website. My name is Marnie, I am 30 and finished Chemo for Hodgkins Lymphoma in June 08. Everyone kept telling me how strong I was and how much of an inspiration I was to them. Then I finished chemo, I fell apart emotionally and people thought that because I was in remission and no longer undergoing chemo that the old Marnie was back as she always was. Whilst I tried to explain that I was now angry at so many things, jealous about everything that I once had and no longer seemed to resonate with me, and up and down emotionally I felt like I was talking another language. My partner who incidently broke up with me about 8 hours ago was fantastic during chemo. I think that because he could see that I was unwell he was able to offer me that support I needed. Funnily enough I only broke down a handful of times (emotionally) and he in all honestly at those times was useless. We would end up arguing and I would become more upset. His mother of all people would tell me and my now ex that I was coping too well and would have to fall off the emotional wagon at some point. I don't think I fell off the wagon, no I think that someone cut the axle in half, shredded the wheels and put a huge cliff in front of me when the wagon fell to bits. I have always been an emotional person, I would like to think that I have always taken other peoples feelings into consideration, and I have many close friends who have stood by me through thick and thin. I suppose then I ask the question to those who have had a similar experience to me. Do you get angry at anything and everything? Have you lost the person who you really loved since having treatment? Do you say things to people that you would never have said in the past? Have you been arguing with people around you be it family, partner, friends, work collegues. I have and it is really doing my head in. As I mentioned before my partner didn't want to be with me anymore. Someone who I am deeply in love with yet who clearly lost that love he once had for me. I tried many times explaining that this isn't me, that I was sorry for exploding about the smallest thing, to please cut me a little slack. Did I push him too hard? Did I expect too much from him? Am I always going to be this person who even I don't really like? Someone explained to my sister just before christmas after an argument that I had with her that the best way to explain what I was going through was like people who take drugs experience a come down and that with the chemo drugs that went into my body and the effect that they had on me both physically and mentally I was experiencing a come down that can last from 12 to 18 months. From that I figure that I have between 6 to 12 months of mental anguish left. Between that, being scared of the cancer returning and losing the person who I love I think that maybe I would be better off crawling into a really deep hole until that time is up. I realise that what I am writing must sound pretty heavy and I have no doubt that I have probably scared anyone away from replying. I just feel lost, sad, depressed and so unsure of myself and I just wanted to know if I was alone or if anyone else had/has similar issues.

Hi Danielle, thank you for your message. I actually tried to reply last night but it wouldn't work for some reason. Twice. I actually saved the second message in case I lost it like the first one but didn't get a chance to try to resend it today. I actually went into the Leukaemia Foundation at Coopers Plains today and met with Dean. After only one session I am feeling much better about everything. I know though that it will take more than one session with him. Turns out stuff from years ago pre cancer is also being addressed relating to men and self esteem issues, so that can only be good. Anyway I will repaste the second message I wrote last night and see if the damn thing works this time. Catching up could be a really good thing as I don't know anyone else who has had cancer (around my age that is) and wish that I did. Thankyou for checking up to see if I am ok.
>>Marnie x
>>
>>Message I tried to send from last night
>>
>>Hi Danielle,
>>
>>Thank you so much for such an amazing reply. I just completed a post following your reply and for some reason lost the lot when I tried to submit it. Very frustrating.
>>
>>I really was in a bad place emotionally the other night when I wrote post chemo blues and reading your reply gave me such hope. For you to have also broken up with your partner after chemo means that someone else out there has an understanding of the loss and grief that I am feeling.
>>
>>To know that I will get through this thick goo of yuck called life helps. To know that hopefully I won't feel like this or be like this forever gives me hope.
>>
>>I don't for a second think that cancer discriminates. The doctors told me that there is no explanation as to why people get Hodgkins. Pre cancer I was in the same pollution as other people, other people I am sure had the same amount of stress as I did, I was fit and healthy like many other people. Yet I got cancer and those other people didn't. The not knowing why is one of many things I find frustrating. Was I supposed to learn a lesson from getting it? Was I supposed to experience it so that I am equipped to help someone else with it in the future? If I hadn't got Hodgkins and become this different person would my ex have broken up with me?
>>
>>I have a few theories
>>a)Someone has a voodoo doll of me and my life and they keep stabbing me with it,
>>b)I did something really bad in a past life (not sure if I believe in past lives or not),
>>c)I am just getting all of the bad things, times and problems in my life out of the way now so that the remainder of my life will be smooth sailing.
>>
>>Hopefully it is (c) but who really knows. I think that is also what affects the mental side so badly. It is the unknown and unexplained. It is great that they can cure cancer, I most certainly am thankful for that. I just wish that the doctors also knew why that one cell in my body turned into cancer.
>>
>>I am in the process of making arrangements to see a phycologist to help me work out who I am now, how to deal with my anger and frustrations and move on with my life. Over the last 8 months I have also contacted the foundation and yes they are great. I just feel that I need the big guns now. The break up certainly has tipped me over the edge and I know that it is time to see someone more for my own sanity than for anyone else.
>>
>>How do I enter into a new relationship? When and how do I tell them that I was sick? What will they think of the bruises on my body that have never gone away since chemo? I realise that it will be a long time before I could even consider looking for another partner. All I want at the moment is to still be with my ex and for the last year of my life to have never happened. But as they say all you get from looking back is a sore neck.
>>
>>Again I am so thankful for your reply Danielle and look forward to my fifth year of remission. Congratulations on yours! I wonder if for me it will be like a distant memory after five years. Somehow I think not, I imagine that it will always be with me however sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad and sometimes for the indifferent.
>>
>>Marnie x

Hi,
I noticed that people have viewed post chemo blues, well just thought that I would update everyone on my progress. Perhaps I should update the topic heading as post chemo greens as I am not quite so blue now. Ok maybe green is a little ambitious but I am at least at stage aqua!

I truly feel that just over a week ago was my rock bottom. It hurt so badly as I fell so hard. Dealing with cancer alone is bad enough let alone throwing a break up in for good measure. When I was first diagnosed I thought “this will either break us or make us”. Not for a second did I actually think that we wouldn’t get through it. But we didn’t.

I wrote in the forum mostly I think because I wanted to – needed to feel heard. My ex just couldn’t/wouldn’t listen and I wonder now if that possibly was part of my frustration and anger. Strangely enough I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. That could also be due to my visit with a professional from the Leukaemia Foundation. As silly as it may sound I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel. Before I thought that I could pull through my problems on my own, yet seeing someone who knows what I am talking about and actively wants to help me has been such a positive change for me.

Whilst in no way am I under the illusion that from one session I am healed, I do realise that I can feel great again. I also acknowledge that there could be a fair bit of two steps forward, one step back. Is that how ‘Bootscooting’ first started J.

For anyone who has read this at their bottom, I just want to say – try to have a little hope. I can say that now because I now have hope. Healing from cancer is not just physical. The mental side in some cases (definitely mine) can hit so much harder. Hope really is an amazing thing and sometimes you just need someone to give you a little (Thankyou Danielle and Dean, you both gave me mine). I hope that I can pass that on to at least one person via sharing my experience.

Marnie x

Hello to you both It was great to read your postings. Marnie, I can totally relate to what you are experiencing. Everyone assumes that because the treatment is finished you will return to your old self. But that is not the case.

I have got to the point where I can no longer work through the depression myself, so I have, just like yourself, seeked the help of a professional. Dr Taylor my Oncologist referred him, so I hope he can help me through this (which I am sure he wil).

Reading such positiveness from you both has turned my frown upside down, so I thank you both for that.

Take care
Mel xx